


Bill and Ted - Chapter 3: Parabellum

by DarkYugiBoy



Category: Bill & Ted (Movies), John Wick (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Canon Related, Crack Treated Seriously, Crossover, Gen, Multiverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 12:24:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19394083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkYugiBoy/pseuds/DarkYugiBoy
Summary: Ted, not knowing what his body was doing, felt his hand reach for the holstered gun  and brought it up with lightning speed. The goon totally flew back across the room, falling with a sickening thud.“Headshot!”(John Wick 3 and the upcoming Bill and Ted 3 crossingover)





	Bill and Ted - Chapter 3: Parabellum

“Wow, dude – all these people are trying to kill me.”  


“That’s bogus, Ted.”  


“No, dude, it’s true – even though everyone on the planet listens to our sweet rock and roll music now, there were like these 50, heavily-armed Russian goons, with, like, pistols _and_ machine guns. They were totally trying to kill me!”  


“I know, Ted – I was with you.”  


“Oh yeah” Ted said, grinning with sudden realisation.  


“I mean it’s bogus that those guys were trying to kill you at all. Don’t they know to be excellent to each other?”  


“I will get you!!!”  


Ted, not knowing what his body was doing, felt his hand reach for the gun holstered to his waist and brought it up with lightning speed. The goon totally flew back across the room, falling with the most boudacious thump, that echoed, like, harrowingly through the grey and empty hallway. Blood and ugly brain chunks splattered in a sickly pool behind him, mixing namelessly with the remains of the other dead goons.  


“Headshot!”  


The two dudes shouted in unison, and played some epic air guitar in celebration. A stench was starting to fill the room, a mix of blood and mild decay from the 50 corpses lying about.  


“Dude, Ghengis Khan should be here – he would be totally jealous to miss this out.”  


“I know – in his hockey pads and baseball bat. Actually, they probably would’ve shot him in the chest pretty quick. I don’t think those hockey pads are bulletproof. Hey, you think more of these guys will come?”  


“I dunno, Ted. If you didn’t kill their leader, I think you could be pretty sure they’ll send more after you.”  


“Oh no. We should check and see if any of these was the leader.”  


“Right. A most excellent idea.”  


Bill and Ted went around inspecting every corpse.  


“Maybe if we kill enough of them, you know, we’ll get to see Death,” Ted perked up, “I think he needs quality friendtime with the band. Otherwise, he’s just going to go make another solo album.”  


“Bummer. Hey – this one looks kind of like a leader,” said Bill, pulling up the dead man’s head by the hair so he could see.  


“Sweet.”  


“His suit’s nicer too,” said Bill, admiring the well-made threads that were still absorbing blood from a fatal bullet wound. The corpse made a small moaning sound. Bill dropped the head with a thunk.  


“Everything happens… under the table…,” softly moaned the corpse, clearly still dying, “ow.”  


“All we are is dust in the wind, dude,” Bill whispered, closing the man’s eyes. The man struggled to move against him, fruitlessly, “Ah, wait, he was probably just a mid-level boss. Not the final leader. Who are all these people, Ted? Not the same ones who killed your dog?”  


“Dude, do not mention the dog.”  


“Okay, sorry.”  


“I get so mad when people mention the dog. I just go out and, like, kill fifty people, all at once.”  


“You’ve got a problem, Ted.”  


“I know. I think it’s my repressed fatherly emotions that I’ve never been able to overcome. Well, that’s what Sigmund Frood said, anyway. My father’s wishes to spend my youth in military training, and not in the most bodacious rock group since Iron Maiden.”  


Bill and Ted didn’t hear the crackle of electricity behind them – the sound of the space-time continuum – and a thunk as something landed in the hall.  


“This is the second time now, Ted. Shredding dudes is valuable time lost when you could be shredding guitar,” Bill said seriously.  


“It turned 6pm and suddenly all these AK-47 dudes just showed up, Bill. I don’t know what’s going on either!”  


“I think I may be able to help you, gentlemen.”  


Bill and Ted turned.  


“Rufus!”  


The Wyld Stallions went and hugged their longtime friend from time, as he stepped out a nondescript phone booth/time machine.  


“What in the Van Halen is happening, Rufus?”  


“Did hanging around Death too long make me skilled at murdering people, Rufus?” Ted asked, scared of himself.  


“No, gentlemen. But there has been a great disruption in the space-time continuum.” He pulled a phone from his jacket. “And, if not corrected, it could affect the future of our society.”  


“Not the band, dude,” Bill said to Ted.  


“No! You’ve got to help us Rufus.”  


“I will. Now,” he started playing a video on the phone to them, “this might start to explain the mission.”  


“Hey – it’s us from the future!”  


“No, Ted – we fell for that last time with evil Bill and Ted, remember? He looks nothing like you.”  


“He is playing that machine gun most impressively though.”  


“This, gentlemen, is Mr. Wick, from another dimension – and that is not Bill, but his dog.”  


“Oh – ok,” said Ted, “Hey, Mr. Wick! What number am I thinking of? How many fingers am I going to hold up?”  


“I really try,” Rufus said, directly to the camera, “Mr. Wick has a small dilemma, as you can see; even if he is playing very well to 20,000 people. You, gentlemen, need to figure out this problem, and save John Wick from death; to save yourselves from rock and roll death; and to save Death from another solo album. Otherwise Wick will never shoot another gun, you’ll never play another show, and we’ll have to listen to more double bass solos. Your dimensions are merging, and two new dimensions will be created - a mis-mash of our two worlds, and importantly a world where you can't play guitar and Mr. Wick can't fire a gun. You need to remember your skill sets.”  


“But, what do we do Rufus? How do we save Mr. Wick and ourselves?”  


Rufus stepped aside, revealing the time machine to them.  


“Let’s go save the futures, Bill!”  


“Next stop – Woodstock 1969; and then, after we've found Mr. Wick... Samurai School, ancient Japan!”  


Air guitar! Bill and Ted went forth, towards the time machine, and toward their mission... in...

_Bill and Ted – Chapter 3: Parabellum, coming summer 2020. A road trip of rock, roll, and gun fu!_

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I write fun stuff... professionally (and some serious stuff, occasionally too). If you liked this I've got a few other fun fics on here, or check out all my works, including a Star Wars fan film, pantomimes, and more, at https://timbustinwriting.com/


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